choosing positivity and deciding to become a yoga teacher

choosing positivity and deciding to become a yoga teacher

At the beginning of August, my dream to start traveling the world started to turn into reality. I want to use my blog to share all my experiences, stories and learnings I make on this earth with you. For me, it’s a way to create some kind of a souvenir or memory for this special time of my life. Moreover, it also reminds me every single day during this journey to do my best to be present and grateful. I also think that we all can get something unique for ourselves by reading the stories of other human beings. We want to know more, we want to learn more and question more. We all can learn something from each other. There are just as many different realities as life on this earth, that’s why I love reading, listening to podcasts, interviews and the written thoughts of other human beings. With my ‘365 grateful travel days’ projects, I now want to start sharing my journey in the most raw and vulnerable way possible. Let’s start growing from each other’s perceptions of reality.

DAY 15 – hello darkness hello anxiety my old friends – That morning I woke up scared and overwhelmed by my own thoughts. I remember these periods where my thoughts paralyzed me and a started to see the world as a place that is not save to live. On mornings like these, I am scared to get up in the morning. I don’t do any healthy morning rituals these days. My thoughts are seeing the world as a place I have to fight against. I am learning to get out of these states of minds, but honestly, especially when you are dealing with anxiety at the same time, it takes a lot of patience. I am grateful for still getting up in the morning and seeing other people live. It reminded me that all these thoughts are only in my head, and that every singe human being is the creator of their own work of art – called life. I am grateful for the incredibly beautiful look on the ocean early in the morning. I know that I will learn to love early morning without fear – again. I am grateful for my first experience in this lifetime what’s it like to work in a smoothie bar. Mixing smoothies and making Acaibowls look pretty while talking to the nicest human beings gave me little moments of joy on that day. I actually wanted to work full-time at the smoothie bar, but afterwards they told me, that they would only need me 10 hours a week. Since that’s not an option for me, I am still looking for a job. After the working shift my thoughts took control over myself again and instead of putting things into perspective, I started binge eating again, ignoring the fact that I still felt so full from the night before. I spent huge amounts of money on vegan junk food and stuffed my face while feeling more disgusted by myself with every bite. It’s crazy how no matter how much progress I think I made, I still tend to deal with my emotions in the same unhealthy way. Nevertheless, I am grateful for living together with such a nice woman and such a cute child. I told them about the mess I am, and there were not judging myself the way I did, they were kind and understanding. It’s not about not having a job yet, it’s about the unhealthy way I am dealing with the anxious moments that makes me so guilty and full of hate for myself. I am grateful for writing down some powerful sentences into my diary that evening. Sentences, that belong to my true self.

DAY 16 – coming back to life and choosing love – I am grateful for one of my beloved friends, who was there for me when I needed her. I am grateful for her to push me to get up in the morning, ignore all the shame and guilt and just start the day. I am grateful for a two hour jog in the morning, that made me clear my head and put things into perspective. I am grateful for talking with the woman I am staying with – Michelle – about all the things in my mind and just opening up. I am grateful that Michelle encouraged me in such a positive way. I am grateful for going out into the world again. I always tend to hide myself when I feel bad about myself, I often think that I’ll just wait until I feel better. The truth is that by hiding myself nothing will become better. I am grateful for staying strong and falling in love with the world again. I am grateful for the beautiful pictures I randomly took and all the conversations I had. I am grateful for people I don’t even know personal, trying to help me finding a job. I am grateful for my intention to keep treating myself with as much love as I can. I am grateful for seeing myself as a part of this world again. I am grateful for all the beautiful things I saw. I am grateful for letting go of all expectations what life should look like and just letting it flow. I am grateful to see a certain, kind woman at the office for my RSA again. I am grateful for all the beautiful spots I discovered and I am grateful that I just kept pushing and took a ferry to Manly – the north of Sydney. Later in the train, I had that one realization. Happiness is a choice. It takes a lot of effort, but when I decide to be happy, I can be happy. The thing is, that I often decide to not be happy, as long as I don’t have a certain thing in my life. And that’s what makes me suffer. So right now, I decide to be happy without any expectations and just take my life as a something incredibly beautiful that has to offer me so many lessons every single day. All in one, I am grateful for choosing to not let my thoughts take control over me anymore – and I am grateful for my realization to just choose unconditional happiness without any expectation. I have myself, and within myself is everything I need.

DAY 17 – About mindful walking meditation, zero expectations and simple happiness – Today was such a beautiful day. I cried, I smiled, I let my emotions flow freely. I let go of everything I once thought to define myself with. I rather take all the anxiety and pain than to hide inside of save buildings my mind once created. This morning I got up at 06:30 in the morning. There were times when the time I got up was important to me. It made me get a certain feeling about myself. I used to set productivity and equal with the love I gave myself. It worked, until my building of safety started fall together. Since then I suffered so much, but I am so thankful for that. I am thankful for letting go of all that and letting all my suppressed emotions, thoughts and feelings be. I never had to deal with all that mess of a human being like that before. I used to hide behind my self-built structures in daily life. I suffered, but it made me feel safe. Since I let go, every day is different. I let my emotions flow freely. Sometimes that’s beautiful, and sometimes it gives me panic and pain. I am on a journey of learning to deal with all of that. And why I am so thankful for that? Because in my heart I can feel that this is the true path for me. Everything is limitless. So this morning, after waking up I went for a two hour run along the coast and empty roads. It’s not even about running a for a certain time, I simply discovered for myself that moving heals me, it clears me. While jogging a stored emotion from my past suddenly came up. I remembered so many things that happened a few years ago. I never had a good relationship with my parents. When I am happy, I don’t miss them at all. But past days when I felt sad and I started binge eating again, I don’t give myself any love and I start to think about other human beings to give me the love that I can’t give myself in these moments. In these moments, I even start to think about my parents. I remembered all the things that happened when I was a little child and I saw as clear as never before why we never had any connection and why I did certain things. While I was running along the empty streets, I started crying so much. I start to understand and I start to forgive myself for all the things that I did ‚wrong’. It was one of the most freeing things I ever experienced. It made me remember that only I can give myself that love. And while moving my body on planet earth, I started to give that unconditional love to myself. After running, I enjoyed a hot shower and washed my hair. I put Make up on before taking a train to the city for another job interview. After the interview, I also walked to other shops to ask for work. I am grateful for a girl that I don’t even know in person to support me so much to find a job here. I wasn’t feeling great, but I let all these feeling flow through my body. I let go of any expectations that a day should look like. I just let it come and go and I decide to be happy, no matter what kind of energy flows through my body. I am grateful for that beautiful perspective. I am grateful for visiting the Darling Harbour for the first time. I am grateful for talking to the Starbucks barista before enjoying a coffee. I am grateful for eating my lunch with mindfulness. I am grateful for being completely present and doing exactly what I wanted in these moments. I decided to go for a long walk from the city center to Bondi junction instead of discovering another special place. I have time, it is not about doing something super special every day. It is about the simple things. And that simple walk turned out to be one of the most beautiful walks I ever took. No phone, no music, just me and my feet on the ground, walking along streets I never walked before. I smiled so much all the way. I felt so happy, free and filled with love for this earth and myself. I can feel that I am walking on my true path. I let all these feeling flow through my body. At Bondi Junction, I took the bus to Bondi Beach. On the way, I read within a beautiful book before going into my beloved library café where I enjoyed my second café and some of my snacks. And now I am sitting in this cozy café while writing all of that. I am grateful for wonderful travel plans coming up in my imagination. I will turn them into my reality. Oh, and I am grateful for seeing the most interesting book inside the café. It is called ‘‘the heart of Yoga‘’ written by OSHO. I’ll probably secretly take it with me to read it at home and then bring it back to the café. I just hope that nobody will realize, otherwise it would be so embarrassing haha. I actually wanted to go to a viniasa Yoga flow today, but since today there is only Yin Yoga, I will do that and go for my yoga flow tomorrow. I am already looking forward to dive into my stolen book before going to bed. I am so grateful to be alive. Everything I’ll ever need is already within me. Life is art.

DAY 18 – choosing unconditional happiness and yoga progress before peaceful evening walks through Manly and letting life guide me to my passions – I am grateful for waking up filled with gratitude and an open heart. I am grateful for finally writing the Emails that I had to write. I am grateful for travel plans. Suddenly in my mind, there was the idea of going to India in January to do a Yoga Teacher Training. That means that I will work and love in Sydney for three month until December. Than I want to spend my December exploring Adelaide, Melbourne and the beautiful Kangaroo Island. And then, in January, I will travel to India to become a Yoga teacher. Since I am in Australia, I fall in love with Yoga a little bit more every day, and traveling for one months just feels so right. That’s why I already booked the training this morning. I am so excited. I am grateful for a morning run supported by Spotify music and feeling so alive while running along the empty streets. While running, I fell in love with traveling once again and I was filled with gratitude for making this incredible experience on planet earth. I am grateful for the most beautiful Yoga session after my run. The Yoga teacher and I smiled at each other and I felt connected in such a wonderful way. I made Yoga progress and today I was able to do a headstand, a real crow post and almost a real underarm stand. It makes me so happy to see all the cool things you can do with your body when you practice regularly and I am grateful for all my new Yoga goals. I am grateful for learning all the worrying thoughts of my mind just flow through my body and let them be. Without compensating or controlling. It’s a everyday learning experience. I am grateful for so much inspiration. I am inspired to use my precious life to create something that awakens others and creates a new world, full of unconditional love. I am learning so much right now, and I don’t know where or how to start yet, but I just keep letting this beautiful life flow through me. I am grateful for making peace with uncomfortable thoughts. I am grateful for reading all the pages of such a wonderful book that made me so excited to read even more. After buying clothes for my upcoming trial workday tomorrow, I caught a ferry to explore the north of Sydney once again. I am grateful for sitting in the ferry so accepting and peacefully while reading within my beautiful book. While I was reading, whales appeared in the ocean and everyone in the ferry got so excited. I am grateful for watching the first whale of my life diving through the stormy waves. I am grateful for a peaceful evening walk along the beach of Manly and for feeling the cold water of the pacific ocean for the first time of my life. I am grateful for eating fresh fruits and vegetables in the ferry back to the City center before I enjoyed blueberry bagels, the most delicious raisin toasts and matcha soy latte and regular soy latte at Starbucks. I am grateful for choosing to be unconditional happy and just letting life be. I am grateful for talking with the barista about veganism after I wanted to see the ingredients list of their raisin toast and for upcoming travel plans with a girl I connected with over Instagram. Technology can be a wonderful thing. I am grateful for taking time to write a blogpost about traveling and happiness. I am grateful for truly understanding that it is my choice to be happy about my experience of this life, no matter what it looks like. I am the co-creator of my life and I can choose how to deal with every singe experience of this life. There is so much growth in life when you realize that you can choose freedom and unconditional love. I am grateful for finding love within. I am grateful for all the unlimited things in life. I am grateful for letting go of stress. I am grateful for remembering how much I love writing I am grateful for learning to love my experience on planet earth for exactly what it is. I want to use my creativity to inspire other beings to create a new earth full of love and awareness. But for this late evening, I’ll choose to read in my wonderful books while enjoying hot almond chocolate lattes.

DAY 19 – the important life lesson of having zero dollars left, teaching me to just find happiness within my pure being while experiencing this life, visiting art museums, my first real job and the magic that happens when you live with pure trust without any plan – Today was one of these beautiful days of my life experience. I woke up happy, drank water, wrote messages with my friends and just enjoyed the morning in my bed before going for a long run through nature. I am grateful for keeping in contact with my beloved sister. I am grateful for a trial work day at a Restaurant in the city center today. It’s not one of those of hippie places, but the Restaurant looks beautiful from the inside and the chef seems to be a nice person. I smiled at all the guests and the trial work shift just felt like the most beautiful art of life. I was filled with love and just enjoyed the time working at the Restaurant. I am happy to be able to say that I finally found a job where I like to go every day. It’s not a full time job, but the chef said to be that I probably can work 30 hours a week. I am grateful for him to explain me everything about all the adult things and paper stuff that I didn’t understand. I am grateful for being able to take second impressions. The casual work at the Restaurant actually means even being able to work at another place at the same time. That’s a beautiful thing because it makes me soak up even more impression of the Sydney life – and I am so excited for life that it makes me just happy. I am grateful for also having the chance for another trial work at two other cafés. So If it works out, I could work at one of these cafés in the morning and then go to work at the Restaurant afterwards. I am so grateful for just experiencing life without any expectations or any plan at all. At the moment, I am just so intuitive and do whatever I want to in the present moment. I am enjoying my life as I never did before, without any conditions at all. One year ago I could have never imagined that it would possible for me to live like that – I used to control every little thing in order to feel safe. I am grateful for learning that freedom is my birthright and that happiness is a choice. I am happy for enjoying my coffee at Starbucks after the trial work shift at the Restaurant and just being so present. Afterwards I decided to visit the museum of contemporary Art. I actually wanted to buy a second coffee to drink it while enjoying the art, when I wanted to pay with my credit card, I got the message that it is completely empty now. So right now, I have zero dollars left. I wasn’t worried or stressed about it, I simply was grateful for being able to learn to just be without any distractions. Since a few months I started to spend incredible amounts of money just on useless things or ‚special‘ food. For me, it became super extreme and it was a way of looking for happiness outside of myself instead of within. I basically felt like I had no control about how much money I would spend and I just kept doing it. I am not even surprised that I spent thousands of dollars in the first two weeks. So after basically taking that to the most possible extreme, Iife forces me to stop now. And I am so happy and ready to take that challenge and find happiness in my pure being even more again. I know that nothing I’ll buy or special food I eat will make me find true happiness. Happiness and love is always within me if I just open my heart. I am so ready to let this life lesson teach me to become a more mindful version of myself in that way. To truly enjoy every ‚imperfect‘ apple for exactly what it is, for enjoying every step I take in this world and every word I write without distracting myself from that unique experience by munching on food. Everything is infinite if I let it be. And life now gave me the challenge to finally start creating mindfulness in that aspect of my life. I am grateful for soaking up all the beautiful art in the museum without any distractions. I am grateful for talking to strangers at the museum. I am grateful for feeling endless love for the art of photography and my beloved Nikon camera. I am grateful for a wonderful yoga session in the evening, such a kind yoga teacher and new yoga poses. I am grateful for already feeling this new, beautiful mindfulness of being aware of how much money I am spending each day having a positive impact on my life. Distracting myself from life is not an option anymore. And now – I experience life even more. I hear every tone of the music, I feel my fingers writing that, and my mind already starts to stop making me feel the need to compensate something by spending money on things I don’t need. Everything is perfect the way it is. I am grateful for free bananas at a supermarket, for enjoying every bite of my food and for a free soy latte at my favorite book café. Without distractions, everything feels so much more magical right now, this right now is one of the lessons I have to learn right now, I can feel it in my heart. I am grateful for the barista at the café starting to talk about me. Human connection is everywhere. I am grateful for him offering me a room with the most beautiful view on the Bondi beach and with people at my age living there. Even though the son and the mother I am living with at the moment are wonderful, I already know that I won’t live there longterm because I crave living together with people that are around my age. It’s just magic how so many wonderful things just come to me when I just do whatever I want to and live without a plan. Life is pure magic and I feel endless gratitude and happiness to be able to experience that limitless magic everyday without any expectations.

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