”Lets take our life to the next level by choosing a balance out of free creativity and lovely discipline.”
There are some sentences I always write down to calm myself down before I start writing. To tell myself that I am okay and that my life is okay. I am exactly where I need to be and I am not looking back because I am not going that way. Yesterday I left Ubud after two weeks to explore Canggu and other parts of beautiful Bali as well. During the car ride, I sat on the back – one third asleep – one third awake – one third dreaming. I dreamt about wonderful things and suddenly one realization hit me. I finally realized why I am struggling so much with setting goals for myself and then having the lovely discipline to work on achieving them every day. I see myself falling so many days without doing anything about it. I never understood why I did that and ended up being angry with myself. I felt guilty and ashamed and let myself fall even deeper in that moments because I fucked up so much anyways.
I used to be a really disciplined person out of the wrong motivation. I used to force myself to do so many things to compensate the feeling of not being enough the way I am. I couldn’t relax and such a big motivation behind the things I did was out of the wrong place. Not completely since I discovered my true passions, visions and thing to fulfill me some time ago, but the constant fear of not being enough was always that one thing that pulled me out of bed on my worst days.
Then I let go and let myself fall. I fell so deeply that I somehow was forced to let go the fear of not being enough and find beauty. I experienced beautiful days full of magic, freedom, love and everything I could ever ask for. Nevertheless, I also let my thoughts create way too many bad days. Days I spend paralyzed in my bed, stuffing my face with food, followed by even more food in order to suppress my emotions. When the sun was rising the next day and I chose love instead, I still feared setting goals to improve myself, to let go of that destructive behaviors, build new habits and work on creating my own dream of life everyday. I feared setting new goals and the discipline that would come up with it.
Why? Even though I create way more bad days than I would wish for, I feel so much more freedom and unconditional happiness in the contrast. I feel like I’ve never felt before. I felt like I had a choice to create my own dream of life every day. I felt like being able create everything, to create my own paradise within me. I feel so connected to myself these days. Connected to myself and to all my passions and purposes.
I felt so much creativity flow freely through me while trusting my intuition. I felt so true that I started to fear setting myself real goals and work on them again. My soul remembered the days I got completely caught up in it. Many years I was completely lost in my ego. It took years to break free, to slowly discover things that fill my heart up with the happiness that naturally comes up within when you follow your passions and purpose. I trusted that.
I trusted, I let go and let myself fall deep. I would have five bad days a week that I would spend doubting myself while compensating all the emotional mess going on within me with binge eating. Then the other two days of the week I would live happy and free, because I let go of everything. I would have chosen that way of life that was at least connected with my true self by living forced by the fear of my ego. Even if I would end up having five bad days a week. I was so tired of blindly following my ego and end up doing things without any joy or meaning in order to just feel right enough to be myself at the end of the day.
After falling, I feared choosing lovely discipline and setting goals to take the next step in life. I never understood why, I thought that I just would be scared of failing and then having to deal with even more negative thoughts, then I realized that this wasn’t the case at all. I feared losing connection with my myself, my creativity, my intuition, my true passions and my purpose. I feared losing all the precious things that I missed for all the years in my life because of getting caught up in my ego. I feared that I would end up in the emptiness of doing meaningless things every day again. I didn’t want that.
While one third of my being was dreaming in the car, life started to shake me, it was like one part of me that was sleeping for a long time woke up again. I realized that by taking the next step in life, I am doing everything, but am not going back. There is nothing to be scared about. All the years I spent extremely blind following goals out of fear became past. I grew through that experience and over time, I slowly found a connection to my true self. I discovered my creativity, my passions, my current purpose on earth and so many other beautiful things on planet earth that I love.
After the car ride, I was at a point where I chose to catch myself. I no longer fear taking the steps life whispers me to take with the most lovely discipline. It is not easy, but life is not supposed to always be easy. I promise myself to step into a new way of learning to push myself in a kind way in order to make my dreams come true in the most beautiful way. I am not going back, I grow into a better version of my being to unite the strong discipline of the past with the wonderful connection to my true self, including all my creativity, passions and purpose. That connection still feels so new.
I finally understood what was holding me back from setting and smashing the most wonderful goals for myself and choose to go after them every day in the most mindful and loving way. You can be completely present while finally going into the directs life whispers you to go to. Pushing yourself to get out of bed everyday in order to work on your goals with make you become more aware of all the self doubting thoughts in your brain. You will learn to let every single one of them flow freely through your vessel and watch them leave afterwards, not giving them any power to rule your mind. Thoughts do not define you. I choose to let go of that fear and remind myself of the truth that I am not going back, but creating a new way of life instead. I learnt so much in the past that I am finally ready to take my next, unique step in life. A new step of creating the beautiful balance of pushing myself to follow my creative visions every day. Let’s all take our own experience of life to the next level by choosing a balance and uniting our unique, free creativity with the most lovely discipline.