My life is a beautiful mess right now – and I couldn’t accept that with any more love. 2018 has changed my life completely. I once read the quote ”water your wounds until they turn into wildflowers” – I didn’t understand at first, but now I do. I water my wounds until they started to slowly but surely turn into the most beautiful wildflowers. I began to truly heal myself. My life changed all over and I found the power within to break free and mindfully create new thoughts out of a place of love instead of fear. I love my current experience on planet earth, including everything that it brings with it to make me remember my truth. Light can only see itself through darkness. I not only love my experience on planet earth more, but also the love for the being that I am never felt so strong. I learn to love being human. I learn to embrace everything that happens and surrender one day at a time. So far I can say that there was already so much magic happening. I reconnected to the voice of my truest self, that voice always whispering inside of me when I become silent and go within. My soul found a beautiful home within the depths of the substance my physical form is made of. I see my body as the home of my soul, the home that allows me to experience life. I finally decided to treat that unique home as precious gift that it truly is.
Today, I do not only want to share the things my soul remembered on my journey of life this year. I did that during the first paragraph. Why? Because I hope that writing beautiful words about my transformation, the love I feel for myself makes you see and love the precious being that you are as well. Remember, everything is possible and all you need to manifest it into your dream of reality is already found within. Also, actively working on unconditional love for yourself will by visiting retreats or simply following your truest self whispering inside will always pay off.
When it comes to myself, my intuition guided me straight into a really special and life changing day in Hamburg: A one day retreat to remember the home inside of you. I always wanted to go on a retreat, just almost as much as I want to do a Yoga teacher training in 2019. Well, after returning back to my hometown Hamburg after my travels, I started a full-time job to make that money I need to move to another city, grow my mind by studying psychology and do the Yoga teacher training I am dreaming about for so long. Even though I would have loved to, an expensive retreat for several weeks in another country was kind of inappropriate. I was extremely excited when I saw Jil (@jiliciousjourney) announcing that there was still one place left over for a one day retreat in the city where I currently live. I applied immediately and danced around my room when I got a mail from Ana (@anasophierose), the lovely host of the retreat, informing me that I got the place. Now, let me tell you the story about the experience of my first retreat to remember the home within my physical form.
But before, the evening before the retreat a lot of family drama was going on that opened up all the wounds I have when it comes to that area of my life even more. Experiencing something like that the evening before once again made me carry part of that weight to the retreat – something I am really grateful for right now. Before the retreat, I woke up early enough to spend one hour in nature to run and turn energy into love. After reading in during the train ride, I walked into the wrong direction and I ended up fifteen minutes late. Luckily, the energy there was incredibly peaceful and I was welcomed by Jil and still had some time to become calm as well. We sat down in a circle in a wonderful room. The whole apartment was so pretty and especially minimalistic when it came to the furniture, while also showing so much love for details at the same time. It inspired me so much for the arrangement of my first own apartment.
As I said, the energy was wonderful before we even started our program. We began by drinking a glass of a superfood smoothie shot while sharing some words about ourselves and what remembering home means to us. It was personal, raw and emotional and I even had to cry when words of the others touched my heart and I shared some of my past experiences in life. After getting to know each other a little bit more, Ana and Jil shared some parts of the program for the day.
The first point of the plan was a sharing. We all got blindfolds with surprisingly pretty patterns. In daily life, we tend to use the sense of seeing way too much. When we close our eyes, that sense falls away and we can become aware of our other senses more. We sat down in our circle and became silent. No one had to say anything, but whenever we would feel like it, we could share what was going on inside of us. It was so emotional and many of us, including myself had to cry a lot. I felt so connected to everyone in the room and all I could feel was love and support. Things that were going on inside of us came to the surface. There were so many old thought patterns and beliefs coming up not serving my truest self. Speaking them out of my soul was so powerful and transforming. Even though so much heavy energy came up, there were also wonderful visions I finally spoke out about what I want to start creating and manifesting into my dream of reality. After the sharing, no idea how long it was, I felt a wonderful connection between every single one of us.
After a little break we moved on to the next point on out plan: A beautiful cacao ceremony with a guided meditation. I never had done a cacao ceremony before, even though I heard a lot about it. Before we started, we had the time to write down our intentions, visions and affirmations for the future. After the sharing, I felt like a heaviness inside of my body was released and I could open up for positive transformation without the weight on my shoulders I carried before. I felt like change was possible and the choice of the present moment that it truly is. Visions, intentions and affirmation were flowing through my fingertips and I wrote down all my dreams. I even started a new, beautiful, plain notebook that is my beloved book of daily, spiritual growth right now. Then Ana gave everyone of us a glass of cacao while telling us about its healing powers. Listening to all the wonderful knowledge she shared about cacao made me feel so full and reminded me of the beauty of little things that appears when we choose to be mindful. We closed our eyes, drank the medicine and did the meditation guided by Ana and Jil. The meditation was wonderful made us remember the paradise within ourselves. Even though I already knew some things about meditation. The meditation was extremely powerful and since that day, I want to meditate almost everyday. It’s not that I’ve never felt that home inside of me ever before, I already experienced what it feels like to be home within yourself and to naturally overflow with that warm and peaceful feeling. But in past, I used to constantly run after that feeling. – I always thought that I had to force doing things in order to enter that blissful state.
During the meditation, I came home to myself. I did it just by closing my eyes and becoming silent. That experience made me remember that there is nothing else than yourself you need in order to enter that blissful paradise inside of you. You do not need to suffer, you do not need to follow a certain routine, you do not need to achieve something special, follow something you are passionate about for hours or have certain material things to give your soul that beautiful home. It’s not about doing, it’s about being.
The meditation made me let go of the last beliefs still left inside of me, trying to convince me that I need something to do in the outer world to enter that state. The wonderful truth is that you can enter the unique home of your being that is naturally overflowing with love and light unconditionally. Today, I meditated and visualized during the train to the café where I am currently creating that post. It made me calm down, relief stress and gave me a warm feeling of love for myself, my life and everything else which makes me feel home anywhere in the universe. After the powerful cacao ceremony, we all had time to write down more things we received during the meditation and the words were flowing through my fingers once again. I was so fulfilled by finally understanding that I can choose to experience the beautiful home within myself unconditionally. Simply being reminded of that truth I remembered that day – right now – blesses me with the brightest smile.
After the ceremony it was time for our lunch. It was an amazing buffet with the healthiest and most delicious food you can imagine. It was so amazing that anyone could just choose from all the vegan options what their body needs right now. I chose mindfully what would nourish my body right now and remembered how much I enjoy eating healthy food. I enjoyed every bite of the food and made the intention of learning to love nourishing my body with healthy, vegan food every single day. While we were eating, we were of course talking to each other and Jil were also reading tarot cards for us. I felt so safe and home being around all these beautiful souls and enjoyed every single one of my breaths.
Later that day, we started to make our own vision boards. It was a great way to create something that would always remind us of all the wonderful intentions and visions we set before and after the cacao ceremony while coming in touch with that inner home inside of us. The vision board was a way to remind us to keep manifesting that beautiful paradise inside of us in the outside world one day at a time. While painting and tinkering, I had wonderful and supporting conversations with the other souls. When I talked to Jil, I felt like our souls were connecting with each other. She said such healing things to me that transformed so much inside of me. Whenever I entered a difficult situation since then, I remembered all the love she gave to me and chose to act out of a place nourished by that love. She also reminded me of beautiful truths that I am now able to understand and see clearer than ever before. Everything makes so much sense right now and all I want is to give myself the love that I truly deserve.
After hours of raw conversations, tarot reading, healing massages from David (@animamassage) and of course creating our vision boards, we did another beautiful practice. We all stood up to each other and formed a little space in-between to slowly go through. We all closed our eyes and let each of us walk through that little way. While doing that, we gave every souls’ body the touch that we thought was needed for them. There was so much caring and love vibrating between us and made us open ourselves up even more. In the evening, we sat all down, listening and singing to guitar music. It was incredible to put my hand on my heart while singing and also listen to the sound of my heartbeat. Imagining, that it is with me since over eighteen years made the ending of that retreat even more beautiful.
All in one, this day transformed myself. I remembered that inner paradise inside of my being. That paradise that is my true home. That paradise that I can enter unconditional. I chose to create that home inside of me in the outer world as well, one day at a time. When I am struggling, I choose to remind myself of the true love and light that were flooding through my veins that day. Then I smile and move on creating nothing but love and light.
”The key to heal the world is you. You are the key. Heal yourself, know yourself, make yourself whole and free. Release all limits so that your love can flow unconditionally for yourself and the world, this will open the heaven of your heart completely and it will guide you without fail.”
That day was beyond all my expectations and I would always do it again. I can only suggest you to actively choose self love every day. Most people can’t afford long healing and retreat weeks in another country – but there are other rituals you can practice daily to choose love for yourself. Let it be daily journaling, visualizing, meditating, practicing gratitude, doing yoga, or visiting a one day retreat on a lovely Sunday to remember that beautiful home inside of you. If you feel the desire to experience that unique magic of finding a paradise-like home inside of yourself, keep looking up upcoming events on Ana’s Website here.
photo credit: @chris.zielecki